What happens in my psyche when I’m in an abusive relationship?
What kept you/What keeps you in the abusive relationship? Can’t you see that it’s not doing you any good? – is both an inner thought of the survivors of violence, and a response received from those close to them when they decide to talk about their lives for the first time.
An abusive relationship consists of a pattern of behaviors used by one of the partners with the aim of gaining power and control over the other partner with whom they are in a relationship. Anyone can be in such a relationship, regardless of age, professional status, education, etc. Recognize the signs of such a relationship by reading more information here.
And yet, why would anyone choose to stay in such a relationship?
Each person responds differently to domestic violence: while some decide to leave the relationship immediately after the first episode, others remain in this situation, or leave the abuser and then return to him several times. This phenomenon is explained by Walker (1979), through the cycle of violence, defined in four phases:
1. Tension build-up
The aggressor provokes, insults, humiliates, accuses. Stress accumulates for any reason, such as problems related to the education of children, privacy issues, misunderstandings, illnesses, financial problems, work-related problems, but also catastrophic events, such as a state of emergency, etc. The aggressor feels ignored, threatened, disturbed. To avoid escalating the conflict, the victim becomes increasingly compliant, submissive, takes more care of the family, but feels like he is walking on eggshells. Or, in some cases, the victim provokes to release tension. Either way, what the aggressor is about to do is not justified.
2. Manifestation of violence
The aggressor needs a pretext to act violently. Abuse can manifest itself through screaming, threats, reproaches, harassment, hitting. In fact, the aggressor manifests his control, his dominating position in the relationship. These moments leave very deep traces both for the direct victim and for the helpless witnesses to these scenes – the children. In the end, the abuser is sure that the victim sought her out and considers himself justified in the way he acted.
3. Reconciliation
Now that the aggressor has calmed down, he completely changes his behavior. Sometimes he apologizes, is humble, may swear that something like this will not happen again, wants to make up. Sometimes he may threaten to hurt himself if he is abandoned. Others, on the other hand, pretend that nothing happened, minimize the episode and the suffering of the victim. The more the victims distance themselves, the more they will behave nicely, trying to win them back.
4. The Honeymoon
In this stage, the abuser makes an effort to appear kind, loving, understanding, may even go to couples therapy, looking for solutions to save the relationship. He does not want to lose the victim. After a while, the tension starts to rise again, and the cycle of abuse will continue, until one of the two ends it.
Each cycle of violence reinforces the traumatic bond, a strong emotional attachment between a victim and her abuser. The dependent attachment of the victim to the abuser represents a traumatic bond in this sense. This occurs especially in adults who grew up in dysfunctional, abusive families, where they were victims or witnesses of domestic violence or emotional abuse.
How do you recognize a traumatic bond? This occurs in relationships where there is an imbalance of power (for example, financial). As the imbalance increases, the victim feels increasingly weak and has a need to be dominated. Abuse (punishment) alternates with good behavior from the aggressor (reward). The victim is held “hostage” in the relationship by this emotional bond that is created with the aggressor.
The roots of this type of traumatic bond are, however, very old in the victim’s psyche. It is a way of loving and being loved learned since childhood, at home, from those close to them. It can happen that a child receives from parents/grandparents/caregivers proofs of love, protection, care, hugs, encouragement, along with constant rejection, manifestations of abuse, harsh words, sometimes slaps. Thus, the child begins to associate love with abuse and rejection, sometimes even confusing them. Little by little, he learns to ignore his emotions and feelings because he notices that they are of no help to him either to protect himself from abuse, or to receive love. Instead, he makes efforts to become as good as possible and to meet his parents’ expectations, seeking their love. Over time, he begins to have the feeling that he does not deserve love, that it hurts, is difficult or impossible.
When a child becomes an adult and finds themselves in an abusive relationship, they tend to hold on to it, blocking their emotions, needs or intentions and starting to blame themselves for the emotional or physical abuse from their partner. At the same time, the partner strengthens the traumatic emotional bond sometimes through rejection and abuse, sometimes through evidence of care, attention and protection. A person can stay in such a relationship for several reasons, the most common is that they do not perceive it as toxic. Other reasons that we can mention are the fear of the unknown (being on their own seems to be scarier than being a victim), the responsibility of raising children alone, the threat that if they leave the relationship they may lose their children, the partner’s promises that they will change, the victim’s guilt that their partner will not be able to cope without them, the belief that they need saving and only they can help them, etc.
If you find yourself in one of the above situations, try to talk to someone you trust. The #ȘiEuReușesc team is at your disposal. Send us a message at contact@sieureusesc.ro and we will put you in touch with specialists in the field.
This material was produced within the group #ȘiEuReușesc – Healthy Relationships Bucharest, coordinated by psychologist Cătălina David. #ȘiEuReușesc Community Bucharest is a project organized by A.L.E.G. (www.aleg-romania.eu) supported by the IKEA Fund for Gender Equality, financed by IKEA Romania and managed by the Bucharest Community Foundation.