How do you know if you’re seeing the right psychologist who can guide you in case of domestic violence?
Hello. I also have a big problem that has been bothering me for a long time…what should a woman with 2 children do who often thinks that she is living in a toxic relationship with her partner because she has nowhere to go and has stayed for the sake of the children? I know that this question may seem stupid to some, but it is a problem that has been bothering me for a long time and that I often go over to calm the agitation inside me… says a woman on a Facebook group dedicated to those who want to ask questions to a psychologist.
As in this case, in our answer, we emphasized safety and rights, because the psychologist who will work with such a person needs to have the necessary skills to manage the situation with responsibility, sensitivity, firmness and clarity. The main effort should not be aimed at “saving” the relationship, but at creating an environment in which the person feels safe and has a space for their own decision, whether this means continuing or ending the relationship.
A psychologist who has no training on domestic violence or is guided by prejudices about the roles of women and men can put you in danger not only emotionally, but even physically, by minimizing the dangers of domestic violence or missing opportunities to convey vital information to you.
The right psychologist realizes that domestic violence can be serious and directs you to emergency hotlines in case of danger (112 or 0800 500 333), provides information on the protection order, or about the specialized assistance services available.
Safety also means making her aware that if she is in danger at any time, she can call 112 for emergency help, but also providing information regarding the protection order, or about the support services available at the national level (a useful phone number in this regard is that of ANES – 0800 500 333).
1. It is best to never discuss domestic violence. Avoid conflict and come to terms with the situation.
Why it’s wrong: Avoiding discussions about abuse can make the situation worse and strengthen the abuser’s power. It’s important for the victim to find support in those around them: a coworker, a friend, a family member, to identify a helpful person in a limiting situation.
2. Both partners are equally to blame.
Why it’s wrong: In abusive relationships, there is no symmetry in responsibility. The abuser should be held accountable for the violent behaviors, and the victim should not be blamed for their reactions to the abuse.
3. If the violence left no physical marks, it is not abuse.
Why it is wrong: Emotional, verbal or psychological abuse can have devastating long-term effects, even if it does not leave visible marks. All forms of abuse are dangerous. Find information about forms of violence here.
4. You must forgive the abuser, because that is the only way you can move on together.
Why it’s wrong: Forgiveness can be a personal process, but it should not be forced on the victim. The safety and emotional well-being of the person affected should be the priority.
5. Your loyalty and love for your partner can heal abuse and overcome problems of violence.
Why it’s wrong: Abuse cannot be “cured” through affection or loyalty. It is the responsibility of the abuser to make fundamental changes, seek professional support, and respect these personal efforts to change for the better in the long term.
6. If the abuser goes to therapy, or if you go to couples therapy, the problem will be solved.
Why it’s wrong: Individual psychotherapy can help, but real change requires commitment and responsibility on the part of the abuser. The mere fact that the abusive partner goes to therapy does not guarantee transformation.
At the same time, counseling and couples psychotherapy are not recommended in relationships where domestic violence is present and can even put the abused person in danger.
7. You must save your marriage at all costs.
Why it’s wrong: Your safety and emotional well-being should be your priority, not your relationship at all costs. Sometimes, separation is the healthiest solution.
8. You don’t really care about the abuse; you have other reasons to be unhappy in the relationship.
Why it’s wrong: This is a way to minimize the impact of the abuse by suggesting that the problem is actually in the victim’s perception, not the abuser’s behavior. This leads to the perpetuation of the abuse.
9. Women/Men should accept this, because…men/women are like that.
Why it’s wrong: Gender generalizations do not justify violence. No person should accept abuse based on gender stereotypes.
10. If you’ve been back in a relationship so many times, it means it’s true love.
Why it’s wrong: Returning to an abusive relationship repeatedly is not a sign of true love, but may reflect toxic relationship dynamics, emotional manipulation, or emotional dependency. The cycle of leaving and returning is often caused by mechanisms such as hope that the abuser will change, fear of being alone, lack of resources, or guilt induced by the abuser. True love involves mutual respect, safety, and equality, not control, fear, or suffering.
This material was produced by A.L.E.G. (www.aleg-romania.eu) with the support of Vital Voices. The opinions and information expressed do not necessarily reflect the official views of the Vital Voices group.