About masculinity, anger and how we learned to manage emotions
We often hear that we have to be in a certain way because it’s beautiful, it’s better, or it’s just the way things are. Because that’s how boys are and that’s how girls are. What a concrete demarcation from the moment of birth, right? Boys only wear blue, never pink, boys are always analytical and never emotional, and so on.
Where do all these beliefs about how we should be come from?
They come from gender stereotypes, which are like definitions of the characteristics of women and men, as well as the supposed qualities of masculinity and femininity. These beliefs are present in all areas of life and we are so used to them that we don’t even consider them as stereotypes, becoming an automatic and accepted response by society. Stereotypes can often mask or justify behavior, for example through statements like: men are strong, they never cry, and if they do, they are not real men. A classic example is when it is said that being a man means you don’t understand feelings or that only certain jobs are suitable for a man, and if you are not on this list, you may be labeled as weak.
Many people believe that masculinity excludes emotions or vulnerability, and boys are gradually becoming distant from knowing and naming their emotions. This is because in everyday life they are encouraged to hide or repress what they feel, with few exceptions. Well, emotions are not about gender, race or status, they are the same for everyone and are part of what it means to be human.
Every emotion sends us a message, even anger. Being such a powerful emotion, most of the time we don’t like to feel it. In our society it is considered “acceptable” for men to express it and for women to repress it. However, anger is surrounded by shame, and the cost is that we don’t talk about it, we don’t try to understand it, and we don’t know how to manage it.
But it is a basic emotion, which has helped us survive throughout time. It lets us know that some of our boundaries have been violated or that something is wrong and we need to act. We were saying that emotions send us a message; in the case of anger, it brings us the motivation to act. But what do we do when the first action that comes to mind could harm the other person? How can we listen to the message of anger without letting ourselves be dominated by it?
– We can start by thinking about those who helped us grow up. What we learned from our parents, friends, and significant others influences how we relate to anger today. What are the rules we learned from our family about how to express this feeling? These teachings may have reached us in a direct or indirect way (parents who did not express this emotion convey that it is not wanted). For example: Anger helps me make myself heard, so I will express myself this way to gain your attention.
– Recognizing and naming the emotion is the first step to managing it. Sometimes we will have thoughts and feelings that are based on something that happened in our past that are similar to those in the present. For example, there is a possibility that in the present you feel fear when it comes to a conflict, because in the past such a situation did not bring anything productive, it only hurt those involved. In such a situation, practice speaking to yourself with kindness and understanding: “It is understandable that I am afraid because, when I was little, my parents destroyed everything in their path in these moments.” Knowing the past of your emotion and understanding it is a sign of acceptance. It is like saying to it – “Now I understand why you are here (fear, anger), I see you, but I will not let you control me.”
Emotions define us as people, not as women or men. A book to help you discover more about masculinity and emotions is “Masks of Masculinity” written by Lewis Howes.
This material is produced by psychologist Diana Pop from PsyLife, in collaboration with the A.L.E.G. Association… The PsyLife team is composed of counselors and psychotherapists who, together, want to contribute to the well-being of their clients and the communities they are part of, under the management of co-founders psychologist Dr. Raluca Anton and psychologist Dr. Adela Moldovan.
The article is produced within the project #ȘiEuReușesc – the community of survuvors in Bucharest, a project initiated by the A.L.E.G. Association and supported by the IKEA Fund for Gender Equality, financed by IKEA Romania and managed by the Bucharest Community Foundation.
Photo source: Hello I’m Nik (Unsplash)